Colours

“Why are your grades so low? Why aren’t you studying? Why are you crying now? Aren’t you a
man?”

I-I… am I a man after all? Or is my identity built on a mountain of lies? If nothing else, a 8 point SG
isn’t low, that’s certain.

I guess I haven’t told you about myself. My name isn’t important. I’m a shut-in nerd aceing nearly
every entrance there is, but never cared to look after myself. Hence I cannot have a handle on my
emotions – I’m a wreck. And now I have to figure out this gender thing too. Geez, give me a break already!

———

Do I really want to be a girl? Have I always wanted to?

Does liking those Barbie movies as a kid count? Oh and I was really into Strawberry Shortcake too,
is that a sign? Don’t be stupid now, you enjoyed Pokemon and Beyblade as well.

I did try out mom’s clothing as a 13-year-old. Surely that’s not just a phase, right?

Exclusively choosing female characters in video games is totally normal thing to do as a cis guy,
isn’t it?

Damn do I have more questions than answers! How am I even supposed to begin to comprehend this clusterfuck? Now why am I feeling sad that I might not be a girl? Is this… is this it? My sign?

———

Does this make me weird? If I never had trouble with my gender so far, should I be bothering about
it? Am I valid?

fires up search furiously

“Yes, you’re valid!”
“I realised when I was 30 lol”
“The only thing that matters is how you feel. If you feel you want to be a girl, you probably are
one.”

Wait, what is this that I am feeling? Is this happiness? Relief? Whatever it is, I haven’t felt it for so
long. As if my black and white life was suddenly bombarded with colour. Lots of colour. Colours I hadn’t realised were possible.

———

I do get some stares for wearing a clip and a skirt. Only if my hair could grow fast enough. Thank
heavens my friends are understanding. Now to figure out the rest. It won’t be easy, but I’m ready.

– Anonymous
BITS Pilani, Pilani Campus